Shasta Explorer - Stories - e-mail from a friend

Today I got an e-mail from an old friend. Actually she is more than a friend, she is the one girl that might have changed my life. She was the first girl I really loved and I am pretty sure she felt the same way about me.

She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I can still remember the first time I laid eyes on her. Time stood still and sound ceased to exist. I was utterly consumed by her presence. I wish I could forever freeze that moment in time...

She was the girlfriend of a close Dutch friend while I was living in Holland. He had brought her over to meet "the Americans". We exchanged a few pleasantries and then I did what I do best, I disappeared with my bike. For days afterwards she was all I could think about and I was afraid my friend would discover I was helplessly head over heels for her.

After a few weeks they broke up but she kept coming to the local training races and whenever she would smile at me I went weak in the knees. Over time I managed the nerve to talk to her, though they weren't particularly deep conversations as I didn't speak much Dutch and she was shy about her English. Still those words meant the world to me.

As time went on I got to know her and her family and they impressed me as some of the most genuinely kind and caring people I had ever known. Despite the language barrier we had great conversations and those became some of my best memories of Europe.

The summer she finished school she took a job at a beach town about 30k away. I would go training in the mornings or do a race in the afternoon and then ride to meet her when she got off work. Sometimes we would explore the beach together or aimlessly ride the local bike paths just to be next to each other. In the evenings we would head back to her grandparent's caravan for dinner and I would listen intently as they all chatted around the fire pit. I felt like I was a part of their family and I felt like I truly belonged.

I started thinking about changing my residency permit into a citizenship. I entertained the idea of buying a flat near the beach and spending holidays in the Alps with them. I continually looked through their photo albums of bicycle touring Europe and I could see myself there. We would start by touring Italy and then work our way north...

The whole reason I was in Europe in the first place though was to make a living as a cyclist and at that time the pinnacle of the sport for an American was the Olympic Games. I knew I had a decent shot at making the U.S. team, all I had to do was to make a strong showing back in the US and then stay in the good graces of the coaches. Afterwards I would come back to Europe and make all the rest of my dreams a reality...

We never really discussed my plans or her plans though. Terry had been pretty serious about a Dutch girl the previous year and when he went back to the states it was heartache all around. We were going to learn from his situation and we were just going to be friends. That way nobody would get hurt. It sounded like a good plan and that was the way we played it. No hand holding, no kissing, no promises. Just friends... Really, really good friends…

And we pulled it off, mostly. Once, in a moment of weakness I poured my heart out to her in a letter written entirely in (my very limited) Dutch. I told her how I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing her. Or at least that's what I think I wrote. I have no idea how my English to Dutch translation went. I could have been asking her if she liked pork chops for all I know... As I recall she laughed when she read it, probably thinking it was a joke, which I played along with in an effort to save any remaining shreds of self esteem.

For the rest of that summer though I kept up my end of the 'just friends' rule and she kept up hers. The last day before I was scheduled to fly back to the U.S. we spent at the beach as usual but we were both pretty quiet. I was happy to be with her but at the same time I was trying to convince myself that my leaving was no big deal. I was just taking a short trip, that's all.

Instead of riding home however I spent the night with her in the caravan. We stared into each others pleading eyes until the wee hours but neither one of us caved. Eventually the gravity of the situation finally began to sink in. I didn't want to leave this girl and I sure as hell didn’t want to hurt her. I though I had been so careful but now I wasn't so sure…

The next morning at the airport we put on our best game faces and everyone was all smiles. I was only going to be gone for a little while remember? I gave her my ATM card and put her in charge of my finances there. That way I wouldn't need to open a new account when I got back.

All my friends were at the airport, including Terry's now ex-girlfriend who I was surprised to see as I was under the impression that she had already suffered one too many goodbyes. As they announced the final boarding call we were still all smiles, jokes and laughter. This was exactly the way I had envisioned it. We had done things right. This is the way it was supposed to be...

I handed my boarding pass to the ticketing agent and started down the walkway before I heard the most painful sound I have every heard. I turned around to see Terry's ex-girlfriend saying say "Its okay, you're okay, we talked about this, you knew this was going to happen, we're here for you." There in her arms was my sweet girl sobbing her eyes out with everyone huddled around her, trying their best to comfort her.

It ripped my heart out on the spot. I wanted to run back to her and tell her I am not leaving you, I will never leave you. I wanted to plead her forgiveness for having hurt her so. I thought we were so smart... I thought we did everything right... But I was wrong. My precious little girl, I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much and I know how much you love me. We both know... We never had to say it, we both knew. I can’t believe I didn't see this coming. I will never hurt you again. I promise.

Instead I turned and hurried to the plane. Get it together man, you knew this was coming. Tough it out. After the Olympics you will have all the time in the world. You can make it up to her then. You can still make it right. Just stick to the plan. Don’t fold now...

I more or less kept it together until we taxied out of sight of the terminal window, just in case she was watching. Hang tough man... As we started down the runway I couldn’t hold it anymore and I quietly cried for the next three hours. What have I done? What was I thinking? I thought it was a good plan... After I finally regained my composure again I wrote the following poem;

I met a special girl
and though we're far apart
She's always on my mind
and always in my heart
The summer that we spent
I never will forget
Traveling 'round this world
I'm not through traveling yet
Leaving her wasn't easy
'cause I may never find another
Who makes me feel as happy
as I felt when we were lovers
Her hair was long and blonde
and in the light it shone
Like the dry grasses of Autumn
covering the hills around my home
The eyes I fell in love with
were the color of the sea
As I stared deep down into them
I swore I'd never leave
The way in which she spoke
and the things she had to say
Kept me fascinated
in a poetic kind of way
Times we've spent together
places that we've been
Spin around my mind sometimes
like dust trapped in a wind
When the time had finally come
that I must say good bye
I saw the pain I felt
reflected in her eyes
And as I take the flight
that returns me to my land
I'm choking all my tears back
her photo's in my hand
The minutes turn into hours
ten thousand miles I've flown
Feeling just as aimless
as the clouds drifting below
I made a tough decision
to leave her far behind
Searching for a rainbow
chasing dreams of mine

As soon as I got off the plane stateside I knew I had made a mistake. There was nothing for me here. I didn’t want to be in America anymore but I consoled myself with the knowledge that I would only have to be here for a year and that I had made a commitment to do this.

By mid 1991 I had made the Olympic Long Team and it was down to 20 of us fighting for the four spots going to Barcelona. I was bouncing back and forth between the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs where it was cold and I was constantly injured, to California where my form would come back again.

I finally decided to stay in California and prepare my way instead of the National Team way. The decision would cost me a coach's selection but I figured it was worth it. I would be a better athlete as a result. With a month to go before the trials I was doing solo rides in the mountains, some as long as 150 miles and I was flying. I was in the best condition of my life. I knew I was ready.

Terry and I went back East and did a series of tune-up races. I was taking it easy but I could tell I was on, both physically and mentally. But somehow it all came apart at the Olympic Trials. I had three bike changes in the first 10 miles of the first race and then ended up riding another 10 miles with a bike that wouldn’t stay in any gear. My race was over before it had even started.

Afterwards I decided I was through with the sport. There had been too many sacrifices and not enough to show for it. I didn’t ride my bike for a month because I just didn’t care anymore. Terry, fearing I was clinically depressed finally managed to talk me into going to a race. I won it and then six more right afterwards but it didn't quench the disappointment. If there had been any more races that season I have no doubt I would have won them all because I could ride away from anyone at will, but somehow it just didn't matter anymore. Everything had been for naught.

In my heart I knew that coming back to the U.S. was a mistake. I should have stayed in Europe. Still I raced another year mostly because I didn't know what else to do. While I had good results I was mostly just going through the motions. Win or lose it didn't matter. It was just another clown in a cycling circus.

For a while she and I traded letters but whenever she would ask when I was coming back I didn't know what to say. What was the point now? I had caused all this heartache over something which I ultimately failed at. It was now beyond fixing and I thought it better to just try and forget it...

In early 1994 I hung up the bike for real, this time packing everything that reminded me of cycling in a box and stowing away. I went back to school and I also started and quit multiple different careers simply because they brought me no satisfaction.

I decided that a measure of success that I clearly had failed at was making a good living. I became a workaholic and made a lot of money. I gambled some in the stock market and gave much of the rest away as it also brought me no joy.

After a few years she sent my ATM card back and transferred the remainder of my account balance stateside. I knew she had finally given up hope of me returning and I didn't know what to say. I felt I wasn't really worthy of her anyway so it was probably for the best.

I got involved with a woman in what became an on-again, off-again relationship that lingered unsatisfying for many years. I think I was largely entertainment for her as it was obvious from the beginning that there was no future for us, but at the same time I didn't want to hurt her as I had already done to someone else. Eventually she ended it and I have never before felt such a sense of relief.

Now I am living in a new town and working at a new job and have begun riding my bike again. In fact I am even thinking about racing again, just for fun this time. By most peoples standards I have a pretty good life. I am healthy, fit and financially secure. I have great friends and I have lived an interesting life. By almost anyone's measure it would be considered a success, but today's e-mail leaves me wondering about all of it.

You see my friend e-mailed me to tell me that she just got married. My beautiful Dutch princess is no longer a princess, now she is a queen. Somebody else's queen and she can be mine no more... I never came back and rescued her. I never made it all okay like I promised myself I would do on the plane that day. I adhered to our unspoken rule to the very end and now it is too late. I guess life just sort of got in the way...

The worst part is I never actually told her how much I cared. I never said the words. She never knew how she was my motivation during my darkest times and how I always thought someday, somehow, someway I was going to make it all up to her. And now it's too late. Somebody else finally said the words that she deserved to hear so very long ago. "I love you and I want you to be mine forever"

I commend this man for his decision for I know it is one he will never regret...

Saskia I wish you the very best. I am glad that you are happy and have found someone who will be there for you and return your steadfast love and devotion.

Congratulations my dear friend, you deserve nothing less... but please forgive me if I disappear for a while on my bike.